I was thinking to give everyone a little recap on how Raj was diagnosed as my first proper post but today I feel to write about my day. Its been a really tough day.
Earlier today I visited Raj’s school. His head teacher is so lovely. They showed Raj so much love and they still continue to do so. Today was Superhero day in Raj’s memory. The children all said Raj was a superhero so it was only fitting they had such a day for him. The school placed a bench for Raj with an amazing plaque for him.
The headteacher also gave me a box with lots of letters, poems and pictures from the children about Raj. I looked at a few but the truth is it broke my heart. There were amazing messages about how lovely Raj was. About how he always smiled and never was sad. How he always encouraged the other children. Mrs Eaglen (headteacher) then showed me a video of the day of Raj’s funeral. The whole school was taken out onto the field and they spelt out Raj’s name. They captured the moment with a drone.
I was so overwhelmed. The school had gone to so much effort to involve everyone in this journey. It was an amazing way to showcase the love they had for Raj. 6 or 7 of Raj’s teachers came to the funeral. I also got flowers and such personal messages in the cards from them. No wonder Raj loved school. It was an amazing place with lovely people.
Coming home this evening, I started feeling such a empty feeling. Home is just not home. I go to my parents house where Raj spent so much time…..and even that no longer feels like the bright loving home it was. There is no glow from having Raj there. Its just really obvious that for the time being we are all just exisiting. Everyones light inside them has just dimmed. I see my 4 nephews often. They were so close to Raj, especially Remi. Remi is 9 months older than Raj and they both attended school together. Today Remi asked me ‘Sukh, can I sleep at yout house tonight’? I said sure, then thought I better make sure there is food at home for him.
Since Raj died I have not been functioning. I didnt shop for food for nearly 3 weeks. I just couldnt. I didnt want to. I remember the last time I went food shopping. It was the week before Raj passed away. I dropped him to my mums so I could rush out and get a few bits. I was walking around Tescos and I ran into the cereal drinks. I rang Raj at my mums house and asked what flavour Wheetabix drink he liked best. He said ‘vanilla mum’. He also asked me to buy popcorn and marshmallows. How could I go shopping and not pick up his favourite things? Even when i did manage to do a shop weeks after Raj died, I took my nephew Tanny with me. I then ended up binning so much of that food as it went out of date as I then couldn’t bring myself to cook. I used to cook for Raj everyday. Everything is a reminder he is not here. Anyhow, I forced myself to go Sainsburys today so I could stock up on some essentials. I felt so numb doing this though. So empty. The sadness in my heart was weighing me down so much. None the less…I done it.
Raj was my only child. It was just me and him at home. Missing him is an everyday thing at the moment. Today was just filled with sadness. All I saw and was reminded of today was everyone loved Raj so much. So so much. Its just not right that he is not here to receive all that love. He deserves to be here to have all that love. Someone who touched so many peoples heart, how is it right he doesnt get to see it? I want to show him and see his reaction….look Raj. Look what they did for you! What can I say, some days are just so hard. At the moment its wake up, feel whatever comes, repeat. One day at a time hey. 💔 😭😔