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I miss laughing! Laughing every single day with Raj. For those who dont know, Im a single mummy. It was just me and Raj for a long time now. We had our routines and fun little games we would play with each other. He also told me I was boring though but that didnt bother me 😊. Boring…but he still wanted to spend 95% of his time with me 😋. You loveeeeeeeed me Rajvir!

His nurse Jane recently was talking to me and said Suki it was so lovely to watch you guys together. Jane saw us often. She would come over weekly to our house to change Raj’s dressing on his picc line (line in his arm used to give drugs). She said yes you were mother and son but it was like you were both friends. It’s true, he was my little buddy/my bestie. I got to spend alot more time with my son than other parents do with their children and he was the best company.

Its been a tough week again. I have cried lots this week. Literally felt on edge all week.  Nothing feels right any more. Nothing.

I miss the laughter. My lil man was so entertaining 😊. He used to call Jane crazy and sometimes butthead! I used to be like, Raj you cant call your nurses butthead mate! Recently she had been coming over and we had discussed Jurassic World. She told him she hadn’t watched it. He kept telling her Jane, its so good. You have to watch it. Next time she came over he would ask, ‘so did you watch it?’. She would tell him, oh no I keep forgetting and he would tell her, ‘you need to write it down. Write it on your hand so you dont forget!’. Then he would randomly say to me days later, ‘mum I cant believe Jane hasn’t watched it. She needs to watch it!’. Well monkey, Jane watched it and she really enjoyed it. 😊

We would sit and laugh at the silliest things. I fondly used to call Raj ‘a lil shit’ 😂. I swear he really was too. I was even tempted to have ‘lil shit’ in flowers at his funeral…but then I thought people may think he was some abused child 😂😂😂. Oh and Raj got everything he wanted. Attention, toys, everything. That child loved life! His attitude to life was amazing. That smile of his was infectious, still is 😊.

 

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Life has been so tough at times but I swear, I honestly swear I would do this life all over again. In a heartbeat. Even the long long days in hospital. As least I was with Raj. I know I keep saying it, but I just miss him. My soul misses him.  Some days I sit and still cant believe it happened. Raj died. MY Raj died….nothing about it is right. Raj was ALWAYS alright though. Until he just wasn’t.

I know he is always around me still but the longing to physically touch him. To kiss his head where his hair didnt grow….to hold him against my chest like I used to. I would do anything for that…anything.

Everyday….I just watch his videos. They make me smile. He was happy….we were happy. He used to agree, we made the best team. 😊 Im proud of him, and im proud of me.