I just saw a quote about dont worry, no storm lasts forever, but it truly feels like the storm i’m in will never shift. Yea I can smile and laugh but there is a sadness deep in my soul. It will always be there. Raj was my world. It’s like someone took my best friend away from me.
It’s been a while since I posted a blog update. I have taken some time to contemplate what it is I am doing. When I first started writing this blog, I found myself thinking hmmmm who would actually want to read what i’m thinking! I did however discover, that many people did want to know my thoughts and I have had some lovely comments from people who read my blog who say my writing has helped them in their own often different situations. One of my recent thoughts and suggestions from others has been whether I should write a book. Again I find myself thinking who would want to read my book! Several people have suggested I do this. I have also been seeing 2 counselors following Raj’s death. One is via the NHS and the other is through a charity that help families with life limiting illnesses. The NHS appointments are always at the hospital and the same time weekly. The charity appointments are as and when I need them. At Costa or at my house. I can text my counselor at 11pm and she will reply. She said’ grief is not 9-5′, which is so true and it’s lovely to have that support. They both have said it feels like I am on the cusp of unlocking something creative and it is coming quite organically. The charity counselor has said she feels I should also look into motivational speaking as she thinks I have a way of speaking which resonates with people and draws you in. All such lovely words but I wouldn’t even know where to start! I wouldn’t even know where to start with writing a book, so I have spent some time thinking should I do this and how?
The last few weeks have felt really rough. I have struggled a lot to keep focused and just try and motivate myself to just ‘do life‘ if i’m honest. I can be ready to walk out of the door, and I suddenly find myself sat there sucked into my phone. Looking at pictures of Raj. Next thing I know, It’s 20 minutes later and I’m now so sad. I do things to try and keep myself busy. I try and go swimming, but even doing that Raj is on my mind. I can go get my nails done and Raj is on my mind. How can I not be thinking about the person who is most important to me in the world all the time?
There are a few things I am doing to fill my time. I have signed up to do the Twilight Charity Walk with The Brain Tumour Charity on the 14th October. If you can spare some cash, please sponsor me! https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/rajvir
I am also involved in a event, where we will receive funds for an afternoon tea event for women affected by cancer, directly or indirectly.
Finally, I secured a date for a memorial event for Raj in May 2019. It will be held at the Thistle hotel in Heathrow and will be a dinner event for 350 guests. I am really excited to be holding an event that will remember Raj and also raise vital funds. So much more research is needed into brain tumours. Being told there are no more treatments is the most heart wrenching discussion you can have with a doctor. I am welcoming any help with event. Whether it be raffle prizes or help selling tickets, please get in touch! I would appreciate any help I can get. This event will be about Raj though and I cant wait to share how amazing my monkey was with all those who attend.
What is also weighing really hard on me, is the fact it’s Raj’s birthday in December. I would have been ordering bits and pieces for his birthday already. Discussing what theme he wanted for his party. My baby would have been 9 this year. Such a big boy. Gosh, I miss him so bad. I don’t laugh like I used to. ALL I did was laugh with Raj. I miss the person I used to be when Raj was here. I am not the same person.I really do hope, eventually I may get back some of that happiness I felt. I appreciate the people around me so much though. My friends, my family and loved ones. They are so patient with me, show me masses of support and try and keep me smiling. I love them for that!
The only thing I do know is, I do still feel Raj. I feel his connection. He is in my heart. He always will be. My counselor keeps telling me, to give myself some credit. It is still early days and I am doing well. Some days I just don’t know what to feel. Some days it feels like I’m just existing.
I do try and be an optimistic person though…so will sign off with a positive. It’s FRIDAY! 2 days rest from work. Oh and I need a holiday, so may just have to book something over the weekend! Have a beautiful and blessed weekend all. Enjoy time with your loved ones. Thanks for reading 😊❤❤❤