What a year. 2018 started off tough. We were fighting. Fighting so hard for Raj. We were making our last attempts at conventional treatment. By the end of Jan 2018 I had been told that was it. In Feb 2018 I proceeded with cannabis oil. This was probably one of the scariest times. I was very open with Raj’s medical team and they all understood my need to keep trying. There is no medical guidance, or dosing instructions. It was a lonely time but I started the oil with the help of another amazing oncology mum. I personally believe this is what kept Raj so so well in his last days. He did things differently for sure! My soldier 😊.

The year has been full of firsts. First birthdays without Raj, first occassions. What hurts most is doing and seeing things Raj would have loved. When I go Asda, for some reason I gravitate towards the childrens clothes aisles. I look at the marvel and dinasour tops. The clothes I would usually be picking up for my baby boy. Thats what hurts most. New memories and moments without Raj.

This year also showed me who really cares about me. I mean truly. This year unveiled all the good souls in my life. The people with great energies and warmth. These people are part of my family….if not only in this life, I believe in past lives. The world can be a really beautiful place if you allow yourself to see what is good. At the same time you have to let go of what is draining. What is not serving your best interests. Alot of this is more in my mind vs physically letting go of people. I have family members who didnt even acknowledge my son died. Random strangers across the world and internet reached out to me yet people who were meant to be so close closed their eyes to my pain. People dont even think about what they say often which is really frustrating. I have one family member who is not happy in her marriage and when I saw her recently she said to me you are so lucky Suki. You are so lucky you are divorced. Me lucky? My son died but yea I am lucky? I get it. I was in an unhappy marriage for years but still…….think before you speak! I spent alot of energy and gave up over ÂŁ100k to end my marriage. I live everyday without my son, my lil buddy, my best friend. Lucky…I dont think so 🙄🙄🙄.

Others text me here and then and ask ‘how are you?’. I reply….’im ok but its hard. I miss Raj ‘. Often their response is ‘yea, it must be so hard. Well take care and see you soon. ‘ Will I see them soon? Nope. These guys are not truly interested in how I am. Personally I feel like they text to feel better about themselves. Like somehow they have checked in on me and ticked that box. I am always polite though and I always respond. The ones who do care, push to see me. They knuckle me down to a date to meet. They talk to me about Raj. They allow me to talk about my son.They actually take time to send me a well thought out message. I love these people. They know I am not ok. They remember my sons birthday. They include Raj in their messages and well wishes for Christmas etc. They are the good people I will keep close and make an effort to spend time with.

It feels incredibly sad to be going into a new year without Raj. In 4 months it will be a year since Raj passed away. A whole year! I have no idea where this year has gone. It feels like yesterday I lost Raj. Although he is gone. Raj is around everywhere. In the things around the house. In the way I live my life. In my heart. I still talk to Raj. I feel so close to him. Its the physical touch I miss. We used to be so close. He would act like he was a big boy and didnt like kisses from mum but he was always so cuddly with me. He used to sleep on my arm the last few months at night. If I was sat next to him he would nudge towards me. These memories make my heart smile. 😊😊😊😊

Raj’s birthday came and went also. The build up to his birthday was tremendous. It was all I could think about. We played his favourite games. I bought Raj some of his favourite marvel characters that will go in his bedroom. His family bought and did things in his memory also. I really think he would have approved of the day.

I love my Raj so much. More than I will ever love anyone. He is the most special boy. Thankyou to each and everyone of you has helped me honour and remember Raj. From friends, family to his school, nurses, and the special charities we have had in our lives. We thank you. Raj is infinity. I hope you will continue to help remember Raj with me. I appreciate you all. Wishing you all happiness and good health in 2019. Let’s push each other to be amazing and strong individuals. To give love and exude good energy to all who cross our paths. Much love, Raj’s mummy. 😊💚.