I am sat in Raj’s room as I write this. I look around and there are so many happy memories in this room.

Raj’s little Bob the Builder Hat made me smile. He dressed up as Bob the Builder in school once. Armed with his tools, hard hat, checked shirt and a pair of dungarees from our trip to Oklahoma. He looked so cute 😊.

I come into Raj’s room often. I have a picture of of his face up on the wall and I kiss that picture good morning and goodnight every day. I still leave his dinasour lamp on at night also. It’s hard to let these things go. One thing that always strikes me. The room stays tidy. No one comes to play with all his toys and teddys. Anyone who knew my boy knew when it came to toys he was messy! I hate it being so tidy. I hate it.

Next month it will be one year since Raj passed away in my arms. A year since I last heard him call me mum. A year since I last felt his warm face aginst mine and I really really dont want it to be a year. Time keeps passing by. So quickly too. I really am not sure how I have managed to survive all this time without Raj.

The countdown to that final day has begun in my head and It all feels so fresh again.

I find myself asking again. How did it all go so wrong? Raj always did so well. Emotionally its tough…..really really tough. I am a happy soul. Laughing is what I enjoyed most with Raj. I struggle with sadness because it goes against the grain of who I am. I want to be happy. I know there is lots to be grateful for in life. The amazing 8 years I had Raj being the most important gift to me.

At the moment, it just feels like I have a huge mountain to climb towards ‘that’ day.

I just miss him. I miss my baby boy πŸ’šπŸ˜ž